At long last our dear old government has launched a scheme I can get on board with. So scrumptious, so delightful and so entirely badass feminist I might be in love.
The severe lack of enthusiasm and funding into this important cause has left women the world over totally disappointed, frustrated and pent up. Too many of us have suffered, and continue to suffer in this disastrous state of affairs, with feelings brewing in a witches cauldron of unexperienced climaxes, wasted dreams and devastating dissatisfaction.
Yet, fear not. Rishi Sunak has a plan. An urgent appeal: "eat out to help out".
Yes, quote on quote. The brains behind our country came up with this marvellous news. If you thought the Dutch government with their recommendation to find a 'sexbuddy' during lockdown were forward thinkers, our government has taken it that one beautiful and sexy step further.
500 million well fucking spent.
And my oh my, are we excited for this one. It's like he listened to our prayers, supplied the goods, homedelivery-style and implored millions of lazy members of the male species completely and utterly to 'eat out more'. To service the economy, by servicing all those with a vagina.
That sexy grin of his, and smouldering eyes needn't tell us that twice. Shout it from the rooftops, scream it at strangers. Or simply grab your fellas, tell them the news. Dishy Rishi said it, Bozza signed off on it, Twitter loved it. Simple, clear and effective.
It reads like my tinder bio.
Just imagine a country filled with fully sexually satisfied women - picture the productivity, the creativity and the new-found focus. No walks of shame, there will only be strides of pride. Happy women, power walking that fine ass out the door, all the way to the office.
Forget the recession, the economy would be booming. Mass production turned mass procreation. We'd be at our peak performance. No longer distracted by memories of disappointing experiences of the night before or increased horniness levels as a result. Only that sweet endorphin rush of sexual satisfaction now fuelling our days.
By Iona Cleve