Woman who gave Matt Hancock footjob in year 10 furious to not receive covid contract

Mary Alblast, 47, has publicly blasted the Health Secretary today for his refusal to hand her a covid contract, despite the footjob she gave him in Year 10.


This is another blow to Hancock, whose face was splashed across front pages this week as his failure to publish covid contracts was deemed unlawful. Alongside members of the shadow cabinet and backbenchers, Alblast is lobbying for Hancock's dismissal.


Quaranzine spoke to Alblast, to find out just how good the footjob was.


"The footjob was my personal best. My feet were moisturised, I was verruca free; it was the best 48 second of his life. I've watched Matt hand out covid contracts to all our friends, and I thought surely one was coming my way."


"I was thinking I'd at least get one of those cushy Track and Trace gigs, or some funding to make covid test vials at the boozer. Barnes is swimming in contracts. I didn't even get a part-time consultancy gig. It's like that moment we shared in our Home Economics class doesn't mean anything to him."


Alblast is due to give a petition to government in the coming days, entitled 'Footjobs for Jobs'.


When asked for comment, Hancock issued a press release stating;


"The footjob wasn't that good. Your callouses hurt. Grow up."








By Sophie Peachey



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