Jenny Silver, 21, has been found inconsolable by friends after seeing her 'most compatible' match on hinge.
Newly single and exploring the world of online dating during the pandemic, Jenny, a solid 8.5, joined hinge in the hopes of finding love.
Jenny tells Quaranzine that, mere days after downloading the app, Jenny awoke to find her hinge algorithm had determined that her most compatible was 28-year-old Terrence, a Dungeons and Dragons player from Solihull.
Coming in at 5"3, Terrence's profile revealed that he's 'overly competitive about everything', and 'hates women'.
"Initially this didn't phase me", said Jenny, "I knew the algorithm was just figuring itself out and that wasn't my true match".
But the next day, the hinge like-ration reset, and Jenny once against was subject to this waking nightmare. Her new 'most compatible' was Tommy, a management-consultant-stroke-gym-goer from Clapham who sports a protein shake in every lubed up mirror selfie. Tommy 'doesn't take himself too seriously' but remains motivated and knows what he wants. For Tommy, Saturdays are always for the boys.
Jenny tells Quaranzine that the days passed like a fever dream; each day, hinge determined her to be the same value as Ibiza weekender Gaz with the chelsea football sheets , arty soft-boi Noah who 'can't believe you've heard of Tame Impala before' and stock broker Ian who 'would like to invest in your capital market'.
Then there was Karl Marx fan Nathanial who says he developed his radical communism in his parents' west Hampstead basement, and Exeter graduate Hugo who 'couldn't get a job because of the BAME scheme'.
Quaranzine reached out to Nathanial for comment, only to find he is on a media-cleanse in his second chateau in the South of France.
Since her interview, Jenny has suffered a crippling blow to her self-esteem and has vowed to no longer let an ELO score determine her self-worth. She has downloaded Tinder instead, hoping the algorithm will be kinder.
By Sophie Peachey