Forget ‘life after lockdown?’ Don’t even waste your time worrying about whether there will be an economy, planet, or any species of mankind left once the international pandemic is over. The real question at hand is: will there be sex after COVID?
A case study recently conducted revealed that 80% of the single British population are currently in the process of scouting out a potential post-quarantine bang. Although I applaud these lonely singletons for their diligent horniness and relentless optimism, it is my great regret to have to open their eyes to a single factor which might threaten their hopes and dreams.
This factor, or problem rather, is none other than the very simple yet extremely complex question, will there be sex after Covid?
Yes, sex is innate to humans and there will always be enough desperate teenage boys to go round, fear not ladies. But, will people actually want to have sex after Covid? Will you? Think about it: we’ve been spending the past few weeks and most likely will be spending the foreseeable future in lockdown. We wear masks and avoid coming into a 2m radius to anyone else. Human interaction and touch is also innate to humans, but this type of behaviour has been entirely eradicated by the international pandemic. What’s to say sexual interactions won’t be forgotten about, or made even more painfully difficult to access due to fear of contamination?
Before even asking for consent, will we have to ask whether the person has proof they are not Covid-positive?
Will someone come up with an ingenious whole body condom contraption, which stops you from getting pregnant, getting crabs and getting Coronavirus?
How will we use our body language to flirt if we can’t get closer than 2m to our potential chirpse? Will it become more about showing our potential partner the cool tiktok moves we’ve mastered?
I know that this might demoralise all ye bored and horny quarantined singletons, but as always, I’m adamant to stress that this situation does have a silver lining. At least now you don’t have to feel the racing pressure of attempting to secure someone on bumble for post-quarantine sex. Not having anyone to shag will no longer be considered pathetic, but rather, a mark of social-minded prudence. What could be better than knowing that no matter how drunk you are, you will not end up having a deeply dissatisfying and amateur sexual encounter with someone who is far less attractive in the merciless light of day? And finally, although this is just a hopeful guess – will COVID-19 finally put an end to Capital VIP?
By Chiara Maurino