Ping and the boy is gone.
I’ll be the first to admit, I’m not boylingual. Heck, I can barely even speak.
Although I could easily blame my all-girls school for these shortcomings, the reason is plain – I’m fucking weird. A curious mixture of Miranda Hart and Samantha from Sex in the City, making sure my chat doesn’t fall flat on its ass cheeks is a perilous game, and one I often lose.
As a result, through numerous failed attempts, I have come to realise that playing one game and one game ALONE is crucial to success with the male persuasion – and turns out we knew it all along. That’s right, dear reader. It’s Georgia ELASTIC BAND THEORY. Easy as the pie you will no longer be getting - let em go and they’ll come running right back.
If she secured that peng ting wearing those outfits, imagine the potential for an averagely dressed Russel Group student. LIMITLESS. So, today I thought I’d bring you Quaranzine’s step-by-step guide to elastic bands, to secure yourself a cheeky ronance xoxo
Step 1: Don’t pick up the phone. He’ll know you’re only calling cuz you’re drunk and alone. Seriously, think making first contact is a good idea, tits deep in tequila? Think again, my friend.
Step 2: Actually, don’t pick up the phone at all. Air his messages! Better yet, air them, but make sure he knows you’re active – post an insta, change your WhatsApp pic, or in a play more baffling than them all, you can even send him a tiktok. He’ll be so confused, he’ll have no choice but to ponder whats going on in that sexy little head of yours.
Step 3: Make sure he knows you are always busy – you don’t have time for his tomfoolery. Lacking actual plans? Lie, dummy. Quarantine ideas include zoom calls, quizzes, brunch, drinks with the fam – even Netflix party. You need to look like a social queen, even if your only plans for the day are watching Glee with your mum.
Step 4: When he inevitably bounces back with some speedy chat, keep him at arm’s length. Wait at least half an hour before replying, or even take the piss of his rapid replies. Sure to put him on the back foot, the power will return right to where it belongs – in your quarantine manicured hands. BOOM.
Step 5: Or, don’t listen to anything I said, and instead reply within 30 seconds to the message it sent him 8 hours to send ! Did I just do that? Absolutely ! Love that for us ! Elastic bands are overrated anyway x
By Camy Sandford