TikTok. The great frontier. Like the first miners travelling through the Yukon in search for gold, many a pre-pubescent child have struck the motherload in this mysterious land. As someone who was born before the iPhone was invented, this little app has always seemed scary yet intriguing, like chlamydia or smoking crack. Why should I be denied internet fame, with all its amazing influencer opportunities, just because I am legally an adult? Just because I’m 21 does NOT mean I don’t want to make a living learning complicated, vaguely sexual dances to songs about monkeys, eventually leading to me making millions doing #ad posts on Instagram. Why can’t it be me making the leap to Youtube to document my incredibly interesting daily life, instead of some scarily attractive teenager with an earring who’d definitely call me a pedo? It would be a shame – nay, a disservice to the world – if this never became a reality for me. And so, having eaten all the hummus in my fridge and contemplated cutting myself a fringe, I decided that it was time for me to become TikTok famous. This was my journey.
Day 2: A new day. I now have a basic understanding of the dance moves, but because of my aged broken body and general un-coordination, my dancing does not look like the smooth, stylish offerings of Charlie D’Amelio or Addison Rae (google them). I ask my brother, who is 18 and is well-acquainted with the ‘sexy’ TikTok girls, how it looks. ‘Bad.’
Day 3: My back hurts. Turns out the years of attempting to do sexy dancing in 151 has given me a warped sense of how good I look trying to move my bum. It is quickly apparent I cannot ‘throw it back’. I go have a nap instead.
Day 4: I re-watch my videos from the day before. My self-esteem is at an all-time low. I am resigned to the fact my dance looks like someone violently having a seizure. I decide to graciously retire from my TikTok career, gifting my 3 videos to my sister so that she can make fun of them with her friends. She is relieved to not have to spend time with me anymore.
In conclusion, fuck TikTok. It is basically exercise but only for 15-year-old pretty people.
By Emma Snizek