With pubs and other watering holes opening their doors across the nation this Saturday, the government is pleading with undiscerning customers to watch their standards. Data reveals an exponential increase in the correlation between sexual inactivity, under-stimulation and alcoholic beverage consumption, leading to a nasty spike in poor sexual choices and inadequate romantic partners.
A statement from the government follows as such:
"The woman with the crotch of her flesh coloured tights hanging around her knees is NOT a good bet. The fake eyelash stuck in the crease of her eye is not a fashion statement, but a definitive sign for you to drink some water and reassess your choices."
"The man with a half open eyelid and a beer-cum-saliva concoction travelling down his chin is NOT as attractive as you think he is. It is unclear as to whether he is looking at you, or whether this is merely the position his eyes landed in when the comatose effects of his 30 for 30 shots kicked in."
"Britain, you can do better than this. Do not succumb to the wily ways of COVID-induced horn. Let's lessen the spike, and keep you from lower your standards to such perilous depths."
By Sophie Peachey