There is growing evidence that with the human race temporarily disabled by the COVID-19 pandemic, other animal and plants are now actively engaged in attempting to usurp its position as the dominant species on the planet. Cats have been seen riding skateboards while groups of seagulls have been seen gathering together and consulting maps. Beekeepers have reported many hives are refusing to relinquish their honey. Several rabbit warrens have also been exposed for setting up their own personal websites, somehow bypassing the internet’s formidable “How many cars can you see in this picture?” security measures. Police are also investigating reports that an accident at a branch of Nottcutts yesterday occurred when a large plant fell on an elderly woman “on purpose.” A furloughed architect in Winchester yesterday was alarmed to discover his pet cocker spaniel using his personal mobile phone. Thankfully, on closer inspection, he realised the dog had not actually been attempting to speak but had merely been texting another dog in their own language. There have been several reports of gangs of squirrels disguising themselves as humans using discarded clothes and successfully being interviewed via Zoom on the BBC lunchtime news. Rumours also persist that Tenby Town Council is now run by a flock of starlings. This development is thought to have occurred well before the lockdown, however. “Yesterday, I found my cat Bojangles sitting fully upright in the driving seat of my new Vauxhall Corsa,” furloughed receptionist Casey Drunksister, 26, claimed yesterday. “I don’t think he’d driven anywhere - I don’t think his paws would reach the pedals. But you should have seen the look he gave me! It was like “what the hell are you going to do about it if I did? You’re too scared to even stand too close to the Deliveroo man!” And he’s right.” Miss Drunksister now keeps a cucumber on the driving seat to stop this from happening again.
By Chris Hallam