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New Tactic for UK Government: Flatten The Curve Along the Y Axis

The government has claimed success in its year-long attempt to flatten the curve, calling it a matter of 'perspective' and stating they always intended to flatten it against the Y axis.

Most Britons will be able to tell you that since government officials announced an effort to flatten the curve in early spring last year, they have managed to do so in zero capacity.

One look at the figures shows cases shooting exponentially upwards, with the highest daily cases recorded on January 5th since mass testing was introduced.

However, the UK government has responded to claims of failure, announcing that the curve is indeed flattening if you measure it against the Y-axis.

By turning the graph around and using the Y axis as the X axis, the results show a caseload that is falling exponentially.

"It's all a matter of perspective", blithered Boris Johnson,

"If you look at the figures in a slightly different way, you can see the true success of our government."

The nation is rejoicing at the news, seeing cases plummet in a marketing campaign deemed 'brilliant' by Doctors and Nurses alike.

Long-term critic of the Tories, Kier Starmer, tells Quaranzine;

"You can no longer see the rancid ineptitude of the Cabinet reflected in the figures. Boris is a genius to realise that all we needed was to measure against the Y axis."

The ONS is unavailable for comment at this time.

By Sophie Peachey

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