On the 14th April 2020 (BST), leading psychological experts have advised the UK to just stop being depressed, as it's all just in its head. This comes following the news that the UK is headed not for a recession, but for an economic depression mirroring the events of the 1930s.
Psychologists across the world have taken inspiration from the head of the IMF, Vanessa Hudgens, and her Churchillian speech at the onset of the pandemic, in which she famously stated, "Like yeah, people are going to die, which is terrible... but inevitable?"
It was this stoicism and sentiment of international resolve that prompted psychologists to deliver a similar message to the UK.
"Relax. Print some money, generate some jobs, boost public spending," stated experts across the nation, "You're panicking too much and it's just making it worse. Breathe in for four and out for eight."
"Just stop being depressed. It's literally all in your head. Money is a social construct. Put everyone on the dole. Create some new industries. Ignore GDP. Ignore inflation. They only exist in your mind."
"UK, you need to just lower your interest rates. Ever heard of expansionary monetary policy? Yeah, so chillax. Stimulus packages all round! Let's bring economic confidence back! Ignore the stock markets; they're just toxic energy that you don't need in your life."
By Sophie Peachey