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UK Deploys Sniffer Dogs To Detect Fuckboy Virus

The London School of Tropical Diseases and Hygiene has paired up with leading virology experts  to investigate the possibility of training dogs to detect carriers of the fuckboy virus.

"As social distancing regulations begin to loosen, the threatening impact this deathly virus will have upon female self-esteem all over the world is an urgent issue", the Health minister explains. 

This avant-garde disease detection method could offer the NHS a huge advance in early prevention sexual healthcare, although it was met with massive resistance by the #wastehertime2020 campaign, who argued 'don't hate the player, hate the game'. Specialists at 10 Hammersmith Broadway explain that this alternative approach could greatly reduce the long queues of secondary school kids furiously scratching their genitals as they wait to be let into the Gum clinic. The NHS Sexual health director has launched an ambitious plan to slow down the spread of STDs in West London, planning on using bio detection dogs to track and trace fuckboys. The revolutionary part of this new disease detection method is that dogs will be capable of smelling out fuckboy carriers, even when they are asymptomatic. This means that even if he doesn't wear snapbacks and roam around on a hover board, these dogs will still be able to smell those 'wys', 'you're the only girl I speak to' 3am messages that are harder to spot at first sight. 

Fuckboy detection dogs will be stationed at every entrance of Hammersmith Broadway around 4pm and in other known hotspots, such as freshers halls of all UK universities. The following criteria has been scientifically linked to the fuckboy virus, but please do let us know if you are aware of any other symptoms:

  •  wealthy, private school boys that call themselves 'roadmen' and put on 'hard' accents

  • Anyone on an electric scooter above the age of 8 

  • Boys and men wearing acid wash jeans

  • Boys that text girls at 3am with 'wyd'

  • Boys that waste your time 

  • Self proclaimed 'players'

  • Boys that claim they have a 'side hoe'

  • Boys that vape and wear snapbacks

  • Boys announcing they 'pulled twenty birds last night'

  • Boys that slide into your DMs with 'you're the only girl I speak to'

  • Boys on hoverboards. 

Uk Hospitals are convinced that this prevention tactic will massively help stop the spread of gonorrhoea, purge the population gene pool and help girls overcome emotional trauma. 

By Chiara Maurino

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