After his poorly attended arena rally in Tulsa, Donald Trump has announced he will only use small, independent locales and arthouse theatres for his gigs from now on.
POTUS’s cocktail of thought provoking prose, witty social commentary and forward thinking ideas has proved a huge hit in carefully selected cities, however, large swathes of empty seats were clearly visible during his latest outing at Tulsa’s Kraft Cheesy String Arena. Even worse than the embarrassment caused to the leader of the free world, 20,000 unsold corn dogs, lakes of Mountain Dew and truckloads of MAGA merchandise went to waste.
“There were huge traffic problems nearby” said Trump in a series of calm and considered late night Tweets explaining why nobody showed up, “and the Chinese, Mexicans, crooked Hillary, Obama, climate change, New York Times, Twitter, position of the moon were also to blame”.
“Anyway, as a culture vulture, believe me, I’ve always hated arena shows” continued the President who has only ever attended one gig, a Kid Rock/Limp Bizkit double header in 1999, which he viewed from a corporate box while successfully completing another brilliant business deal.
“Firstly, they’re so impersonal. Playing intimate venues like err… will allow me to get up close with my odd-looking, unhinged, gun-toting supporters, which is obviously a dream for me.”
“Secondly, don’t get me started on the sound quality. I could barely hear myself say ‘Make America Great Again’ which is why I repeated it ad nauseum despite things getting demonstrably worse. And yes, I’ve just had to look up ‘ad nauseum’.”
“Finally, the only way anyone can see anything at an arena is by watching the big screen rendering the whole thing pointless. And let’s face it, my face magnified to the size of the sun is like, well, looking at the sun.”
A White House spokesperson confirmed they’ve already tried to book CBGBs only for the legendary venue to say ‘no chance’ while pointing out they closed in 2006. The President has issued an executive order forcing them to reopen with himself as the headline act.
By Troy Speer