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Trump Administration To Provide Clean Needles For Intravenous Cillit Bang

Bang! And Corona's Gone!

In what history will later deem the largest stroke (of brilliance) since Einstein's Theory of Relativity, Donald Trump has managed to cure the Coronavirus through pure reasoning and logic. Against all medical consultation, the long sought-after remedy has transpired to be a healthy shot of disinfectant into the body, which has been Scientifically Proven to Definitely Work.

Presidential advice is to wipe down the internal surfaces of the body (alveoli, oesophagus, veins) with a j-cloth and some Cillit Bang. A spritz should then be injected into the blood stream for safe measure, and those of us who are extra-cautious may also spray some into the nasal cavity. Cillit Bang is recommended but any common kitchen spray may be used for a thorough spring clean of the lungs.

Members of the global medical community have reportedly hung their heads in shame, mortified at at allowing such an obvious remedy to fall between the cracks of their microbiology labs. The search for a vaccine or viral medication has thus far been fruitless, and Trump has reprimanded them for their primitive grasp on modern medicine.

Exchanging gun laws for drug laws, America is asking anyone stupid enough to shoot up, and is providing clean needles to allow disinfectant to be injected intravenously into the body, thus expediting a nation wide recovery.

By Sophie Peachey

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