Ladies, we’ve all been there. You’ve managed to find a male, and somehow you have sex. Nice one babes. As always, the male either: 1) ghosts you after, or 2) is your boyfriend and remains oblivious of any feminine issues you might have. Love that for you either way. A few weeks later you notice that your stomach looks a bit bloated. Maybe you feel a bit sick. Definitely isn’t the 3000 calories you’ve been eating every day since being quarantined. You don’t worry – maybe you’re lactose intolerant/gluten intolerant/just a greedy shit #relatable. But it doesn’t go away. 3am – you lie awake wondering, is it possible? Could I be pregnant? Maybe your very relaxed relationship to taking your birth control isn’t ‘chill’?
Being pregnant during this period of time may seem daunting. Here’s a handy guide of what will happen:
1) You run to your nearest pharmacy. There’s a massive queue of people freaking out and grabbing paracetamol and face masks. You can’t find the pregnancy tests – disaster. Panicking, you ask the man behind the desk where to find them. The people in the queue hear and proceed to laugh at you. One lady kindly remarks: ‘terrible timing, love’. No shit Karen.
2) You grab your test and run out as fast as you can. Back at home, you take the test and sit on the toilet, pants around your ankles, for the 3 minutes it takes to develop. In that time, you manage to craft an image of the next 20 years of your life with a baby, including the verbatim conversation you’d have with the baby’s father. No matter how old you are, this will be a terrible, horrible image in your head.
3) You pour yourself a glass of wine. You feel bad for your hypothetical baby.
4) You google NHS abortions. Wonder if you cry enough to the nurse on the phone when you call 111, they’ll feel bad for you and let you do it.
5) Look at the test – negative. Excellent.
6) Message the ex-father of your child. Show him the test just to freak him out a bit. Happy Thursday bitch.
By Emma Snizek