The Ick: Symptoms, Causes, Treatment




The Ick is a highly contagious disease that manifests as a sudden feeling of revulsion towards a (potential or confirmed) romantic partner. Medical professionals have been perturbed by The Ick’s sudden ability to infect new and unsuspecting victims, with little known relating to the cause.


The speed of infection and relationship mortality rate makes The Ick one of the most dangerous afflictions of the 21st Century. Each case is unique, and takes on a different form with every patient it takes down. Recent studies have shown that catching The Ick does not provide immunity when moving forwards with new romantic ventures, as scientists have been unable to locate antibodies in the blood.

The Ick affects women on average more than men, and is thought to be related to chronic underlying issues of insuperable standards and being a ‘cold hearted cow’ (sourced from Oxford Medical Dictionary). However, most suspected causes remain conjecture, with the formidable reality being that The Ick can affect anyone at any time. This condition is fatal in most cases.


Symptoms:

  • Violent and involuntary spasm of the gag reflex

  • Audible retching

  • Nausea / expulsion of food [vom-it]

  • Regret and/or repulsion

  • Disdain and/or hatred

  • Shudders and spine tingles

  • A deep sensation of cringe

  • Psychological confusion

  • Flashbacks of a disturbing or sexual nature

  • Spontaneous grimacing

  • Chemical rewiring of temporal lobe in brain


Causes (hypothesised):

  • Skinny jeans

  • Underlying intimacy issues relating to patient

  • Staring at them too hard

  • Latent homosexuality in patient

  • Unsavoury patterns of behaviour in partner

  • Partner showing genuine interest

  • Attempts at 'making love'

  • Literally anything


Treatment:

Sadly there is no existing treatment that has proven to reverse the effects of The Ick. Often, a development of The Ick can mean fatality for your relationship. There are more homeopathic remedies that have shown some promise, such as pretence, ignorance and patience, but these have a short shelf-life and only work with the most desperate of patients.


If you have experienced The Ick, or know of others who have, please reach out to our helplines. You are not alone.


By Sophie Peachey


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