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The Future Of Freshers

Corona might have cancelled summer, but it certainly won’t be cancelling freshers.

Freshers is, of course, the most important week of your university experience, where you make all your friends, and where all social hierarchies and oligarchies are established. Fret not, little, over-excited and rampantly anxious fresher, Quaranzine have got you covered. Here's the inside scoop:

'How was lockdown' decreed the new 'What A levels did you take?'

As all university students will tell you, 'What A levels did you take?' is the universally acknowledged way of greeting people during freshers week. This phrase was coined by freshers in a desperate attempt to avoid the long hours of 'dead chat' that most induction weeks involve. Unfortunately, the term actually had a counterproductive effect, and only served to further perpetuate the sickening chat that plagues freshers week. Nonetheless, you need a bland, unimaginative question up your sleeve to initiate conversations that might hopefully get you laid, so we suggest going for 'How was lockdown for you?' 

By far the most boring, overused and meaningless COVID-related expression, this question is the perfect alternative for some guaranteed dead freshers chat. 

Freshers flu or COVID-19? 

Freshers flu is a rite of passage, but with the onset of fears surrounding a 'second wave', this snot-nosed initiation rite risks being bygone. Unfair, uncalled for, and extremely disappointing. At Quaranzine, we support freshers' rights and see how unjust this really is. Freshers flu is a heroic testament to your romantic successes, and you definitely don't want people to think you've got the old rona because 

a) that will make all your attempts at friendship massive failures and 

b) it will greatly reduce your chances of partaking in all disenchanting, amateur sexual experiences commonly undergone during freshers week 

As COVID tests are not being given out alongside freshers wristbands (despite desperate pleas from the NHS), we suggest you pretend you've already had Rona. This might also increase your chances of pulling, as people will be attracted to your imaginary antibodies, along with your dead chat and sub par looks. 

Chunning and covid-compliancy

Much like Freshers Flu, chunning after a big night out is another essential stage on your journey to becoming a uni student/legend. The tricky thing is, how do you ensure that your tactical chunder, or unexpected expulsion of vomit in the uber ride back alike, are covid-compliant? Here is a great option:

You're going to be wearing PPE in the club so you may as well carry round a plastic zip bag to put your anti-bac in. Gone are the fashionable days when every roadman and rude gal were sporting fanny packs, the sainsbury's plastic wallet is now having its heyday. The great thing about this trendy covid-piece is that it can also store chun for over 24 hours, so you don't even need to make a feeble attempt to aim for the car window. 

We hope, dear fresher, that this article has restored your faith a bit, and we wish you all the dead chat, amateur sex and legendary chuns that freshers week is so renowned for. 

By Chiara Maurino

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