In an exclusive interview with Quaranzine, Cheerios coach, News Anchor and Ohio celeb Sue Sylvester admits her involvement with the spread of COVID-19.
The saga begins with an incident she describes as a “simple case of bat-napping”. Referring to the abduction of fellow McKinley employee Mr. Schuster, Sue and her co-conspirator – a Miss Becky – are accused of holding Schuster hostage within a nearby bat sanctuary, in order to capture one of the animals.
“Bats are curious animals, naturally drawn to the small elf community that resides firmly on the head of one William Schuster” Sue explains. After the animal became caught in his curls, her assistant allegedly accompanied the bat to Wuhan province, where the outbreak began.
Mr. Schuster refused commentary at this time.
Outlining her motivations, Sue explains “It was a gift for one of my many lovers within the Chinese government” sent in exchange for a newly developed brand of protein powder, rumoured to bring immortality, and enhance cheer athleticism.
However, when asked of the virus, Sue explains that this presented an opportunity for what she calls a “Double Whammy”.
“I knew the bat had the virus. I infected it myself – a skill I learnt moonlighting as a nurse during the Civil War. Before Florence Nightingale, there was Sue Sylvester, write that down”. Ms Sylvester claims to be twenty-nine years old.
“I engineered the disease to target the respiratory system, putting a permanent stop to any and all competitive singing, saving America’s ears, and restoring my dry-cleaning budget in its entirety”.
Sue blames the ignorance of the public for not proving the link earlier. “Kids today are just stupid. I even printed corona memos on Cheerio’s lettering for God’s Sake”, a fact confirmed by our news offices.
When asked of the devastating global impact of the disease, Sue is unapologetic. “The only way children are motivated is through acts of random terror. What’s more terrifying than a virus? NOTHING. And that’s how Sue C’s it”.
By Camy Sandford