Suck It Up Bitches, We're All Having Fun And You Know It

We're all loving it, don't lie.


Wanking is now acceptable and feels good again.

If you're not lucky enough to be quarantined with your partner/fling/bang maid, or don't have one at all, then by now your masturbatory sessions must be well into double digits. The quarantine wank is not only more pleasurable due to alleviating boredom, but without any other way of achieving your sticky goal looking likely any time soon, the post-wank depression and tears have largely been eradicated. As long as you don't mind having to look your family members in the eye every day after enjoying volumes of incest porn, then wanking at the rate of your 15-year-old self is back on the menu.

No more social FOMO.

Apart from the scumbags, the crooks, and the criminals, everyone you know is holed up at home. No one has done anything social apart from a few houseparty chats, share petitions to cancel Uni work, or have an awkward online drinks sesh and pub quiz with their friends or co-workers. This is fantastic. You don't have a social life anyway, and now neither does anyone else. No more FOMO. Enjoy chilling out at home and complaining that you can no longer do the things which you weren't gonna do anyway.

You can get into the shape of your life, or not.

The government has kindly allowed us all a one-hour exercise slot each day. That's more than you do normally, and you have nothing else on, so you're gonna get fit for your (cancelled) summer holiday, right? Wrong. The gyms are closed, there's no pressure to be fit, no one will see your rig for months. You're gonna slob at home eating and drinking, and laugh at the fitness bros and broettes freaking out.

If you can forget about the illnesses, deaths, and impending economic turmoil, then this is actually a sick time.


By The Nightman




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