“Autocorrect needs to step up its game or I’m never getting a girlfriend”
Quaranzine have managed to secure an interview (phone interview, of course) with someone who resembles the epicentre of this crisis.
This man (who is choosing to remain anonymous) assures me that before crisis hit he enjoyed single life, even relishing his independence. However much of a coping mechanism this may be, stuck inside all day the poor guy is now (all at once) bored, horny, and looking for love.
"I have been cursed with a fatal flaw", he almost sobs down the phone. I can’t help but feel sorry for him – a blameless victim of circumstance.
I venture to ask what could possibly be a hindrance to his finding love, because it's definitely not just me being stuck inside but over the phone he sounds ?? kinda hot?? I can only just make out his whispered reply: "my grammar’s shit."
As hard as it may be for us to face the truth, this is a widespread phenomenon and often goes uncommented on as an issue that men find difficult to talk about.
In times of social distancing, the men of this nation are being driven Online to express their amorous confessions of ‘your cute’ and we must extend them sympathy – English was ‘never [their] strong suit’. Besides, my interviewee defends himself, "I’m fluent in emoji".
Ladies, this is a call to action. A well-constructed sentence gets me going as much as the next person, and in these times frankly a fully spelled out ‘okay’ is enough to get me hot under the proverbial collar (I haven’t been properly dressed for 13 days, let alone in a shirt).
Regardless, we’re all having to make sacrifices, and if he can’t use simple grammar, verb tenses, or even spell? Consider replying to the poor sod your charitable act of the day. At least he’s not your ex.
By Jessica Curry