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Safety Net Implemented As Sixes Are Now Tens, WHO Reports

After receiving advice from a new report by Imperial College London, the WHO is now implementing a safety net across the nation to ensure people’s overall attractiveness suffers ‘no detriment’ from this period of lockdown. This policy will ensure that no one is disadvantaged by the current crisis, and will still be able to pull once the viral fog clears.

To mitigate the concerns of the public, the WHO has enacted a seismic change in the beauty rating scale, placing a 6 as the new 10. This has emerged after the grievances of the public were brought to the fore through Facebook petitions, stating the injustice in going into quarantine attractive and emerging considerably less so.

The terminology 'safety net' is used by the WHO as they believe it captures more clearly the practical measures they are putting in place. The ‘safety net’ will enable you to walk in public with confidence, knowing that you're no longer as ugly as you think.

In an official statement from the WHO, they claim, “A 6 is the new 10 so don’t even worry about it. We’ve changed all the measures and rejigged objective beauty standards, so you’re class.”

The public stress the time and money put into the maintenance of an attractive exterior, which has been decimated by the effects of lockdown. Beauty salons are closed, barbers are shut, pubes are rampant and eyebrows have become a singular entity. Muscles are atrophying, consumption is at an all time high and 'baggy' sweatpants are a thing of the past.

Initial mitigation strategies brought in targeted ad campaigns to promote the importance of a rich inner life, but this was met by lamentations of ‘fuck off I want a sunbed not happy thoughts’.

The report is also based on predictions concerning a decline in ‘fussiness’ after quarantine ends. Data suggests that if you’re still alive, you’re getting shagged, and if you're only slightly infectious, most people will take the risk.

By Sophie Peachey

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