At the moment, we find ourselves in a perplexing scenario, it’s like watching a film where you already know one of the characters is going to die. We know that lockdown 2.0 is on the way, but we are still locked in nervous anticipation of how it’s going to transpire. The likelihood is that we will stumble into the second lockdown like a drunk doing the triple jump, teetering and stuttering in a tediously prolonged run-up before ploughing face first into the sand like those giant worms in Dune.
Whilst all this may be up in the air, we’re no longer lockdown virgins and as such we can plan ahead to try and make the best of the winter season. We’ve compiled a handy list of tips to help you through our own winter of discontent:
1. Flee your home country due to challenging circumstances
If you’ve escaped horrifying home circumstances that have potentially traumatised you for life you probably need help and acceptance, right? For xenophobic reasons, we here in the UK can’t offer that, but don’t fret, you can turn it round in your favour by avoiding the depressing British winter! Cruella Devil’s evil sister, Priti Patel, has been talked out of making a pretty coat from your skin, but is sulking as a result, and so wants to send you to the South Atlantic. Whilst sending you to an island detention facility may seem worryingly dystopic to some, look on the bright side, it’s summer in the southern hemisphere, no more S.A.D for you!
2. Get a Pet with a short life expectancy
You heard us, get yourself a goldfish, a fruit fly or a terminally ill llama and just wait it out! Watching your companion die mid-way through the winter will provide a pleasurable boost as you can take heart from the fact that you’ve beaten at least one treasured friend in the game of life. Schadenfreude is a well-known fact of life. Whilst some “medically qualified” psychologists may claim to have “actual evidence” that seeing something you care about die will “affect your mental health negatively”, we like to think of it as a mindset thing, you’re alive and Nemo isn’t, and that’s surely a positive to take away from it all. Plus, added bonus, you get to plan a fun party for the funeral, and you’ll get fitter by putting in the hard yards and digging the grave!
3. Give a short back and sides to everyone you see
Sometimes, it’s just a matter of statistics. Hairdressers consistently rank towards the top of job satisfaction indexes, ergo, become a hairdresser for the winter and you’ll be happy. If cutting hair is fun, it makes sense that the more you cut the happier you’ll be. Therefore, to maximise efficiency, we recommend that you dispense with any training or the dumb formality of asking people to cut their hair and just go for it if you see them, it’s the best way to ensure a satisfying winter season. Roll on the endorphins and roll on March 2021!
4. Pull a Planet of the Apes
When the situation dictates, don’t be afraid to put yourself into a deep, deep cryo-sleep. Get yourself through the winter, and roughly 700 others, and when you wake up, Covid will be a thing of the distant past.
Disclaimer: small chance of waking up to a wrecked planet run by very self-righteous simians. You can try and sue Quaranzine when this happens but most likely we’ll all be dead. So good luck, loser.
5. Talk to friends and family and create a mutually supportive environment
We suppose it couldn’t hurt.
By Joel Bradbury