The Prime Minister has been issued penalty points on his driving license for the screeching u-turn on whether to send primary school children back to school.
In his passenger seat, the education secretary Gavin Williamson, who has been guiding the illegal manoeuvre.
Johnson will appear in the Magistrate's Court next week to appeal against his penalty points under the insanity defence.
Mid December saw the government give the green light for a return for primary school children, with a staggered return for secondary schools. A dramatic rise in coronavirus cases, driven by the new variant, saw Williamson delay the start of term. Now, placing the vehicle in reverse, the education secretary has shut all primary schools across London and other covid hotspots.
This has triggered the National Education Union to call for every school across England to be closed.
The speed of the u-turn has given the British public whiplash, with over a million primary school children out of school for the coming weeks.
An insider informant from Westminster tells Quaranzine that the decision was delayed as Boris scrambled to find childcare for his 58 offspring in anticipation of the closures.
In a tradition unique to the British government, Johnson has yet again decided to ignore scientific advice until the 11th hour, ensuring mass confusion and chaos. Obvious to absolutely everyone other than elected officials, school children are the one remaining demographic to be piled into hundred-person bubbles with no social distancing.
Winning gold in the ineptitude olympics, it has taken up until now for Williamson to realise this might very potentially lead to a higher strain on the NHS.
In a press release from Boris after spinning on his axis, he stated:
"Go to school. But don't go to school. Go to school if you're a child but you must not. My friend, you must not not go to school. Online learning is not good bad."
By Sophie Peachey