Post-Quarantine Resolutions

Like every millennial, my main hobby is ruining things that boomers like. Since everything is closed now (success!), I’m looking for new ways to pass the time.

All my friends on Instagram are doing this thing called self-growth that I thought would be cool to share on my own social media. So, I decided to up level my life and write a list of resolutions to make Brad take me back focus on myself post-quarantine.

Get a late term abortion

Husbands: can’t put mugs in the dishwasher, can’t be trusted to tell the truth about a vasectomy.

Raise my quarantine baby

When I’m refused an abortion by a band of wrinkled white dudes, I’ll have nothing left to do but raise the child. I hear the mommy influencer market is huge right now.

Lose the quarantine weight

Sure, we have body positivity now. But that’s for women who have given up on life. When this lockdown is over, you’ll find me right where I am from January 1 to January 16 – at the gym, trying to figure out how the elliptical machine works.

Become an influencer

Who knows when another recession or pandemic might strike? I heard people talking about multiple streams of income and that sounded cool. So far, I have 34 Instagram followers and several blurry photos of kale. Once Chrissy Teigan finally responds to one of my daily mentions, my account is gonna blow up.

Destroy all the technology in my parents’ house

I don’t care if their nursing home has a COVID-19 outbreak, I cannot take another call about how to start a Zoom meeting.

Host a big gathering for my immuno-compromised friends.

If we give in to fear, then the virus wins.

Continue yelling at healthcare workers

Quarantine boredom helped me realize my true passion: banging pots and pans at healthcare workers as they drive home. What better way to show I care than yelling at health workers while they continue to live on their low salaries and budget cuts?

Spend less time with my spouse

I love him and he’s great and wonderful but he is breathing way too close to me and if I find one more mug around the house I SWEAR TO GOD STEVEN I’M FILING FOR DIVORCE.

Spend more time with my side dick

Ah, my chill, fun, no strings attached side dick, Brad. Yes, he breaks up with me once every few weeks. Yes, he told me he only wanted to see me if I lost the quarantine weight. But, I can’t wait to go over to his apartment and watch him play video games with his roommates when all of this is over.

File for divorce

Quarantine has shown me what my priorities are. One of those priorities is getting out of this dead end marriage where I’m constantly picking up cups and putting them in the dishwasher because YOU CAN’T TAKE ONE MINUTE TO DO IT YOURSELF, STEVEN.

Go on a date with the guy I’ve texted for six months to see how disappointing he is in person

Single moms have to put themselves out there.

Give up on losing quarantine weight

I know I said it had to go, but then people started talking about things like running and eating vegetables and I thought: actually, this whole body acceptance thing feels pretty good. Besides, it will give me something to write lengthy Instagram posts about!

In this challenging time, we’ve all had to consider what’s important to us. I’m so grateful to the inspirational memes on social media and passive aggressive comments from my friends for helping me get clear on my priorities for the new post apocalyptic world we’ll be emerging into. I wholeheartedly resolve that me and my new (totally wanted) offspring will reach internet fame and move on to someone way better than Brad (Brad, if you’re reading this, call me).

By Kayla Kurin

Kayla Kurin is a (formerly) nomadic writer, podcaster, and teller of jokes. You can find her on Twitter and Instagram @kaylakurin, For hilarious tales about unconventional lifestyles, check out her book Where Can I Find Wifi? or podcast Dating A Broad

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