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With the Cummings scandal in full force, in a shocking turn of events conservative MPs have risen up, claiming that the British public just need to ‘relax’ rather than taking their anger out on the government.
“Hurt feelings are the next pandemic” one conservative MP told Quaranzine after being bullied for high fiving Cummings after he refused to resign. “Does the public not care about making me sad?”
This outcry comes after the completion of a new study, which found that 100% of politicians caught out for bad behaviour felt slight negative emotions which were the direct result of what experts call ‘public hate'. This is a consequence MPs find entirely unacceptable and are calling for immediate action.
Following the publication of this report by established news outlet Mock the Week, Boris has again taken to his podium, adopting his trademark stance – indifference.
“No one, anywhere, has done anything wrong. Reasonable people can drive to Durham, and reasonable people can also be mad at other reasonable people for driving to Durham reasonably.” Boris says, with incredible clarity.
In a handwritten letter to Quaranzine, Cummings has since opened up about his own experience of ‘emotions’, stating movingly that “Politicians have feelings too”.
This has come as a shock to the British public, who have long thought him to be arrogant and heartless.
In a later statement, Cummings continued:
“I know your nan, your mum, or your child might die during this pandemic – but please, stop to think about how I feel.”
By Camy Sandford