Pitbull Makes Musical Comeback, Rhyming Covid With Covid

Eight years after ‘Give Me Everything’ rocked the music, fashion, and premature-balding scene, Pitbull returns with his new single ‘Take It Back’ to chronicle his experience with coronavirus.


The original Mr Worldwide (nice try, global pandemic) mixes Latin beats with samples of the ‘new normal’; the muffled words of a mask-inhibited singer and a clapping chorus by Michelle from Bedfordshire recorded every Thursday at 8pm. The result is a distressing melody reminiscent of the disco button on a school keyboard - think Enrique Iglesias meets David Brent, meets child with recorder.


After a crescendo of indiscernible vocal harmony (that you, Lil’ Jon?), the track reaches a curious climax of English language usage not seen for years. Echoing his former trademark “Kodak...Kodak”, Pitbull’s lyricism searches desperately for a rhyme to Covid (try Hovis with a blocked nose), eventually settling on… Covid. Noam Chomsky called, he’s relinquishing his title as universally acclaimed linguist and passing it onto Armando Christian Perez - that’s Pitbull, to you fake fans.


Speaking in an exclusive interview, despite battling debilitating symptoms (coughs in Spanish), the 39-year old rapper attested to the melodic quality of Covid-Throat, a recent phenomenon spearheaded by Chet Hanks in *that* topless video message. The people want Connell-from-Sligo’s dulcet tones, but they’re going to have to make do with husky army-major-from-Tennessee vibes instead.


He went on to denounce previous advice to “grab somebody sexy, tell ‘em hey”, instead encouraging fans to “drink a little more than [they] should, tonight” in the comfort of their own home, several hundred miles from anyone remotely shaggable. In fact, ignore his entire discography altogether, it is simply not advisable to “bring your girlfriends and meet me at the hotel room”. With a rumoured six children from several women, one might hope that Pitbull is using this downtime to heed his own amended advice and welcome celibacy. Everyone else has to, and, Sir, now is as good a time as any to finally stop the party.


By Florence Herlihy

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