- STAY HOME. Obviously. But you also need to make sure that other people are bullied via social media to STAY. HOME. You should go into your (massive, beautiful, second-home) garden and take a picture of you sunbathing (next to the swimming pool) in the rare March sun. Then, post about it on Instagram– make sure to use the Stay Home sticker on your igstory so it is obvious that you’re doing your bit. Extra points if you follow this with a story about how your grandparents were called to war whilst we’re merely being asked to STAY HOME. This is not only an excellently accurate analogy but will also definitely convince people that they shouldn’t leave their house. Like, c’mon, it is just not that difficult is it!
- Make sure you keep your friends well-informed on coronaboi. You should forward them every useful article you receive over Whatsapp, whether it’s interesting home remedies for covid, why people need to STAY HOME, any graph, all death tolls, wholesome content like the Italians singing out their windows– essentially, anything. This will entertain all of your friends whilst they’re certainly bored at home, and you’ll do the important job of making sure everyone is knowledgeable #flattenthecurve.
- Stand outside your house and clap for 90 seconds. It is SO important to show your appreciation for our saviours. Ideally film it for the old igstory to show that there are heart-warming aspects to these strange and uncertain times. A good bonus is if it is accompanied by a picture of your cousin’s best friend’s girlfriend who you’re SO proud of.
- Tell your friends that your sibling has signed up to be an NHS volunteer. The communal volunteering spirit that this country displays is honestly so uplifting. No need to sign up yourself– you’re obviously busy with uni (cancelled) and job applications (non-existent).
- Do a livestream! Organise virtual pub trips! Your lonely friends might not have anything to do otherwise!
- Have I mentioned that you should STAY HOME? Supermarkets??? Mate, they’re an absolute pool for the virus. Make sure you exercise the full potency of your stockpile from weeks ago, as well as Ocado deliveries. I can’t even believe that some people are running in parks. Because like what happens if a droplet of your sweat falls onto a bench, which a child licks, before sharing a water bottle with their old relative? You’ve essentially killed that granny. Just STAY HOME and work out in your home-gym– it is not that difficult, honestly.
By Ticiana Alencar