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Parks overrun as women return to promenading in hopes of finding love

Following the success of Netflix's Bridgerton, women from far and wide are swarming their local parks in search of a male companion. The ‘promenade’ is a centuries-old tradition of parading oneself in front of possible suitors.

Experiencing a shock comeback, women are putting themselves on display in front of confused and intimidated men. Those who left their house for an innocuous walk this morning told Quaranzine they were overwhelmed at seeing such a congregation of women marching up and down in front of them.

Although those desperate enough to participate are promenading together, many are in search of different things.

Karen, a 32 year old librarian from Wolverhampton was one of the first to bring about the revival. She lives alone with her 5 cats Harry, Niall, Zayn, Liam and Louis. Tired of being let down by men, Karen tells us she can’t understand why she’s still single.

“I don’t know what it is” she says, “whenever I meet someone I am so good to them, I bring them lunch while they’re at work, I call every hour to check in, and I even introduce myself to their parents so they don’t have to”.

None of Elizabeth’s relationships have lasted longer than 2 weeks.

Recent singleton Anna has never gone longer than 2 months without a boyfriend. She says the deadline for securing her next match is creeping up on her faster than she would have liked. She tells Quaranzine that the she has given up on the dating apps and, thanks to Bridgerton, sees promenading as the answer.

A 21-year-old Bristol student Sarah informs Quaranzine that she 'just wants is a good shag'.

“It’s been months! Covid has royally fucked with my sex life. I may as well give this a go before my virginity grows back."

Responding to criticism of the mass gatherings, the government has issued an appeal to women of all ages to remain indoors as they continue to tackle the third wave of the pandemic. Netflix has declined to comment.

Health Minister Matt Hancock suggests that instead of promenading, women should invest in a good vibrator.

By Cara Mooney

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