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Oliver Dowden’s Leisure Lifeline

Oliver Dowden, the Spirit Animal of your local gym, single-handedly lifted the nation’s mood on Thursday by announcing a new wave of eased restrictions at the Government press briefing.

In what was widely regarded as a ‘love letter to the leisure and entertainment industry’, the Secretary of State for kettle bells and book clubs announced that you can sort of go to the gym now but, also crucially, that the British Public can finally go on that drive to the end of Cornwall or watch some opera in the cold that they have been absolutely champing at the bit to do until now.

Dowden declared: “I am pleased to say that I can now announce, Glyndebourne is back in business. I know it’s been a long old wait for everyone, but finally the good hardworking people of Britain can get £10 off their Frankie and Bennies, before they catch the Inner Mongolian Youth Opera’s stunning remake of Sophocles’ Oedipus Rex. I’ve no doubt it will be the much-needed light relief they’ve been waiting for.”

Bodybuilder Jim Waite from Newcastle was delighted: “it’s a double win for me. 14 hours there and back is nothing when it’s your passion, and besides, I’ll be back by dawn to hit the training.”

It was the news that many from performers’ unions had been hoping for and they also collectively breathed a huge sigh of relief after the announcements. A spokesperson for the Ministry of Some Performing Arts agreed: “it’s great, everyone can get cracking and go back to what they were born to do – perform on a perilously steep cliff-edge theatre auditorium.”

He continued: “ Dancers can also get back to what they love doing best – performing in the open air on the side of motorway slip-roads, in front of park benches and more importantly, on the breezy and wide-open spaces of airport runways.”

By Poppy Corbet Burcher

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