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Nudes for Heroes Banned Until Salons Re-open, Boris Announces

As nurses and doctors work overtime to help the nation STAY ALERT, Brits across the county are finding ways to give back, showing their gratitude to the nation’s heroes.

However, while traditional schemes including fundraising, baking, and knitting are keeping calm and carrying on, the PM has been forced to put the brakes on Britain’s most audacious national effort - the great British nude off.

This controversial scheme, operating in partnership with Nudes for Heroes, has been outlawed after a young care worker was hospitalized for shock after being bombarded with penis pictures.

“It just came out of nowhere” she said after she recovered from her episode, “No one should see that many willies at once. I was just trying to go on tiktok.”

“We’re seeing a different kind of clap” said another nurse, referring to the increased use of this platform as a sexual health clinic following widespread closures last month.

As the devastating effects of British nudes continue to mount, the PM claims such practice should be illegal until British bushes are well and truly tamed.

“The content we’re seeing is entirely inexcusable” Boris began his bank holiday address. “Chodes are on the up, and pubes are no good for the r value. The NHS simply can’t take this increasing strain.”

In a later comment via twitter, he added “We don’t need to see this type of Cummings and goings.”

By Camy Sandford

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