The NHS has launched a new national helpline as part of their Volunteer Responder programme, which is targeted at victims of online dating suffering from wasted time after discovering that their Man Crush Monday wears skinny jeans.
The helpline aids those who have been negatively affected by men purporting to be attractive, whilst all the while concealing the acid wash ASOS jeans that cling to their lower half.
In an age of post-life online dating, singles are flocking to dating apps to secure void-filling humans to occupy them during the witching hours. However, there has been a significant rise in claims of fraudulent behaviour, with women discovering, through video calls gone south, that their man is wearing skinny jeans.
A parliamentary hearing has been set up to push through emergency legislation to criminalise such an offence. This has been met by vitriolic attacks by members of the Geordie Shore who believe their culture is under siege.
A spokesperson for WomenEverywhere, an NGO set up to deal with victims of such visual infractions, has issued a public statement outlining that no one wants to see your cock and balls like a pin impression.
There are two branches to the helpline; one run by volunteers who deal with those traumatised by having fancied someone who wears skinny jeans, and one run by specialist psychologists to help girls who know their crush wears skinny jeans but still fancy them anyway.
A testimonial from an anonymous catfishee states, "I just feel so let down and embarrassed. We met on Hinge and have been planning to meet up after lockdown. I really liked him, but now I feel like I've been mislead and tricked. He owns four pairs of skinny jeans. FOUR. I can't trust men after this. He seemed so normal and well-adjusted. I don't know how I fell for it."
By Sophie Peachey