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NHS Debuts App To Trace And Track Your Next Shag

An NHS app aimed at helping horny singles secure a post-quarantine shag.

Be it an ex, an Instagram influencer or your third cousin, this NHS app will help you battle against the quarantine-induced sex coma. You might be stiff as iron by the time isolation is over, but at least you can rely on our trusted health system to lubricate the joints a little bit…

Chief Medical Officer for England, Chris Whitty, has confirmed that the NHS is committed to supporting vulnerable groups throughout the process of easing lockdown restrictions. Amongst the most immediately affected, 20+ year old virgins, horny adolescent boys and desperate, clingy exes have been recognised as the most at-risk.

In order to help singletons manage their sexual desires (which, having lain dormant for so long, risk erupting and causing weapons grade damage to the public) the government has launched a contact tracing app that uses Bluetooth technology to enable the horny and lonely to trace and track their potential shag. Medical professionals expect this will greatly reduce the number of feverishly amateur sexual encounters one might otherwise be faced with after such an extended period of ‘not getting dicked down’. Once the app has been trialled successfully, you will be able to put in the date of your last sexual encounter and the app will use this data to measure your predicted horniness. It will then, not only match you up with equally horny singles you have come into contact with in the last 14 days, but it will also give you the option of inputting your individual sexual preferences, whether that be a specific person you know or the anal beads you’ve been longing to try out long since Rona swept the cities and sex stores.

The government will be asking every student at single-sex schools to download the app for trials. UK hospital directors firmly believe that keeping horny adolescents from developing a masturbation dependency is a very powerful incentive, which will encourage 80% of the population to download the app.

By Chiara Maurino

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