New Study: US Leads in Dirty Buttholes and COVID Transmission

A groundbreaking study released this week draws a clear link between the United States’ world leading number of dirty buttholes and its current position as the far and away leader in COVID cases. That link, in a word, is stupidity.


“We’ve been touting hand washing and masks as the best ways to prevent COVID transmission,” said the study’s chief scientist, Dr. Able Franklin. “Now this new research shows the key to preventing the spread of the harmful bacteria found in shit—thoroughly washing your dirty asshole using a bidet, the rest of the world’s standard for cleanliness.” 


Confronted with the study’s results, White House Press Secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, balked. “If you’re implying I have fecal particles clinging to my butthole underneath this impeccable Chiara Boni power dress, you’re sorely mistaken,” McEnany emphatically claimed. “My hair is perfect. My teeth are perfect. I assure you, my butthole is equally perfect. I even bleach it just to be sure.”


It was hard to argue with such a vision of feminine strength, but what about the rest of America? We spoke to the ultimate arbiter of middle American values to try and get a sense, President Trump himself.


“Believe me, America is the greatest country on Earth!” he exclaimed. “We have the best military with the biggest guns, the best economy that I built from Obama’s rubble pile, and the best schools with the smartest teachers that I’m definitely reopening this fall. I’m not surprised we’re leading the world in dirty buttholes, since we lead in everything else. We’re even beating China at the China virus!”


Driving his nebulous point home with other examples of American leadership, the President continued. “The rest of the civilized world might have adopted the metric system decades ago, but we don’t know anything about that. And when we travel abroad we speak American, so you better forget whatever stupid loser language you speak and get on board because America’s great and you’re not.”


“The world can go right on using bidets for sparkling clean assholes,” Trump scoffed dismissively. “Here in America, we think they’re a terrible idea—almost as dumb as wearing masks to prevent the spread of airborne diseases.”


He stonewalled us when we tried correcting his pronunciation of “bidet” to a long-A sound at the end rather than a short-E, so we knew we weren’t likely to get very far pressing him on the issue of stubborn dingleberries that just get smeared into your butt crack with toilet paper. He even insisted that Jimmy Buffet’s last name and the self-serve food line known as a “buffet” are pronounced the same way.


“Honestly, confronted with the prospect of a dingleberry or a forced bidet (short-E) enema, Americans are going to choose the dingleberry every time, and really, what’s the harm in a tiny little dingleberry anyway when compared to getting ass raped by one of those hideous contraptions? Remember, this is America, and we’ll put a boot in your ass—not the other way around.”


“I’m not sure the President has ever actually tried a bidet,” chimed in Franklin. “We don't see any valid comparison whatsoever to an enema. A bidet just provides a gentle stream of soothing water that cleans the shit off the exterior. Maybe he had the pressure turned up too high or something.”


Exasperated, Franklin concluded, “Toilet paper is about as effective for cleaning up poop as a mask pulled underneath your nose is for trapping airborne germs. It seems like common sense to me, but for some reason both points elude many Americans.”


While we’re certainly inclined to agree with Franklin’s wisdom, at presstime we still weren’t making any headway convincing the current administration of the effectiveness of wearing masks or washing their assholes. Opportunists always, we called our broker to put in buy orders for Charmin, air freshener, and body bags.


By Chuck Miller

Chuck is the author of Will Little Roo Ever...? and Inside the Mind of an Iron Icon. Visit his website for books, articles, blog, t-shirts, and more.

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