You may wish to reinstate your virginity. For many, the exploration of our sexual selves is a fundamental part of the human experience. For others it’s a nuisance. Beyond religious dogma – some long for the days when giddy nervousness’s overwhelmed. Your mind and your friends’ rich descriptions your only guide to the seemingly murky and complex world of sex.
Trapped indoors you’d imagine returning to these moments would be easy. Alas, you’re wrong – and so Quaranzine presents ‘Making the Millennium Falcon from Adult Lego, and 5 Other Ways to Restore Your Virginity.’
One – construct the millennium falcon from adult Lego.
And in one quick blow your dignity is smashed into tatters. You have loss the respect of your lover as you manipulate each block into position. Some have families and lives to get on with – not you. Your commitment to your plastic bricks will ensure a timely return to a time when the very notion of sex was beyond you.
“Look it’s a little Lego Luke Skywalker”, you shrill as no one reacts.
‘Oh to be young’ you say to yourself. Proud of your actions and wholly unattractive, you can sit back satisfied that no one will ever touch you again.
Two – frequently remind everyone that you’re not a virgin.
It’s a hard life having all this sex. Take steps to remind anybody in your immediate vicinity. A proclamation of sexual prowess is a certified turn off. Remember that time when you were a little bit better than mediocre? Your friends don’t! So get out there and remind them.
Three – sort out a chastity belt.
‘Lock her up’ – as a certain President once said. And while you’re at it start a podcast, collect some stamps and never leave your house (that’s the easy bit). The cold touch of metal against your unmentionables a perfect impenetrable barrier. Not today, not tomorrow - no one will come close. Lock and key your ally. Fetishes aside, you’re a virgin again.
Four – just cough.
I ain’t coming anywhere near you. As the mood lightens and your partner slips into a sensual late-night outfit, Quaranzine advocates that a good cough will quickly put an end to the matter. Complain about your chest and stomp away. You’re guaranteed 14 days at least.
Five – chop it off.
That’ll stop ya.
Six – act like an all-encompassing dickhead.
Don’t underestimate the power of being horrible. In the tight confines of your locked down house nothing beats a little bit of hatred. By alienating all those around you, you’ll be sure to put a stop to any potential coitus. Love and hate. War and Peace. Time tested concepts helping protect your virginity.
By Callum Ruddock