When it comes to PPE, it is no secret that the UK has been struggling. With the government recently outed for inflating figures by counting gloves one by one, the PM has finally been forced to think outside the box, exploring how everyday items could protect the public against the pervasive virus.
Having completed rigorous testing (with his newborn son Wilfred as the primary subject), the PM’s newest advice is set to be announced in another surprise Sunday night ‘briefing’. However, following public cries of ambiguity following last week’s policy announcements, BoJo has leaked the news to Quaranzine, so the new scheme can be fully explained.
Hit by a stroke of inspiration after watching Gogglebox's Izzi and Ellie, the gist of the plan is simple: repurpose sanitary products as corona blockers.
Supporting these new strategies, Boris has even gone a step further, lifting luxury tax on sanitary items to ensure key workers can afford these new protections. However, in the fine print, Quaranzine has realised this only applies to male workers, with Boris claiming that:
‘We don’t know how the females are using these devices. They might be for actual periods, which as we all know, is a clear luxury use, so the government doesn’t feel comfortable lifting the tax for women at this time.’
The standard means of construction is the use of pad flaps, which can simply be stick to the face above and below the mouth, creating a barrier like so:
Clean pads are advised, but not necessary.
For more advanced practitioners, after revisiting She’s the Man during his bed rest, the second stage of protection involves tampons, which can be inserted into the nostril. Tampax Pearl is preferred for a smooth insertion, but on a budget standard cardboard can suffice.
If you or your household tries this new method, send in your pictures to @quaranzine.online, or submit them through the site.
As always, Stay Alert !
By Camy Sandford