Lust in the Time of Corona


It is a truth universally acknowledged that for many young people

across the country, one of the most exciting things about leaving

home for university is the prospect of having awkward drunken

encounters with other sexually frustrated teenagers. Perhaps then,

the biggest cruelty of this Coronavirus crisis is not the overcrowded

hospitals, but that thousands of single students are having to accept

that they might miss the fabled and ephemeral “goldrush.”


Step-in the dating app. Unable to go out to the pub and gawp at their

“home friends” who went to Edinburgh and came back hot,

countless nineteen to twenty-two-year olds sit in their childhood

bedrooms and trawl from Facebook, to Twitter to Instagram (no one

cares about your seventeen loo roll keepie uppies Jonty) and finally,

to Hinge. Realistically anyone still desperately swiping through the

annals of Tinder is playing a losing game. No, Hinge is the

sophisticated student’s choice. Fair warning though, any timid Tim

thinking about forgoing their dating app virginity and downloading

Hinge should know that the set-up process will result in hours

clammy palmed introspection and result in the devasting conclusion

that maybe you’re not that interesting. ‘I’m overly competitive

about…’ ‘Everything.’ That’s good. Manly, maybe slightly sexy, and

honest- you did trip your sister up on her way to fridge earlier so you

could have the last Actimel.


Of course, the fatal flaw lies herein, Boris told us all to stay inside.

Yet the download statistics for dating apps are only on the rise.

‘Most Compatible: Bella and Tommy, we think you should meet.’ ‘I

CAN’T HINGE!’A bedraggled Bella jokingly shouts at her phone. Bella

has not washed her hair for five days and is enjoying her new greasy-

haired freedom. “Date from home: 70% of Hinge Members would be

up for a phone or video call right now. No pressure just keep it short

and fun!” Bella audibly snorts, she can’t think of anything worse. Yet

the fuckboys of Hinge cannot be deterred. ‘Never thought I could be

this bored and horny at the same time’ is one’s opening line. ‘Let’s

Netflix and self-isolate’ a second quips. Bella thinks about sending

them an article re: flattening the curve. Finally, she sighs, closes the

app and goes downstairs. She’s decided instead to go for a jog

instead.

By Freya McCoy



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