It is a truth universally acknowledged that for many young people
across the country, one of the most exciting things about leaving
home for university is the prospect of having awkward drunken
encounters with other sexually frustrated teenagers. Perhaps then,
the biggest cruelty of this Coronavirus crisis is not the overcrowded
hospitals, but that thousands of single students are having to accept
that they might miss the fabled and ephemeral “goldrush.”
Step-in the dating app. Unable to go out to the pub and gawp at their
“home friends” who went to Edinburgh and came back hot,
countless nineteen to twenty-two-year olds sit in their childhood
bedrooms and trawl from Facebook, to Twitter to Instagram (no one
cares about your seventeen loo roll keepie uppies Jonty) and finally,
to Hinge. Realistically anyone still desperately swiping through the
annals of Tinder is playing a losing game. No, Hinge is the
sophisticated student’s choice. Fair warning though, any timid Tim
thinking about forgoing their dating app virginity and downloading
Hinge should know that the set-up process will result in hours
clammy palmed introspection and result in the devasting conclusion
that maybe you’re not that interesting. ‘I’m overly competitive
about…’ ‘Everything.’ That’s good. Manly, maybe slightly sexy, and
honest- you did trip your sister up on her way to fridge earlier so you
could have the last Actimel.
Of course, the fatal flaw lies herein, Boris told us all to stay inside.
Yet the download statistics for dating apps are only on the rise.
‘Most Compatible: Bella and Tommy, we think you should meet.’ ‘I
CAN’T HINGE!’A bedraggled Bella jokingly shouts at her phone. Bella
has not washed her hair for five days and is enjoying her new greasy-
haired freedom. “Date from home: 70% of Hinge Members would be
up for a phone or video call right now. No pressure just keep it short
and fun!” Bella audibly snorts, she can’t think of anything worse. Yet
the fuckboys of Hinge cannot be deterred. ‘Never thought I could be
this bored and horny at the same time’ is one’s opening line. ‘Let’s
Netflix and self-isolate’ a second quips. Bella thinks about sending
them an article re: flattening the curve. Finally, she sighs, closes the
app and goes downstairs. She’s decided instead to go for a jog
instead.
By Freya McCoy
≈