Lockdown Loo

Lockdown has almost completely eased and the common is the place to be. As the weekend approaches, your body tingles at the prospect of getting down to your local, yellow patch of dried grass. The excitement is tantamount to Friday after school meet ups in Wimbledon common… You just can't wait to take your top off and savour a few delightful cold tinnies with the boiz. But beware of the toilet trap…

Obviously, drinking and pissing go hand in hand. No, I'm not referring to horrifying rugby initiation rituals, but rather, the biological fact that alcohol makes you want to go to the loo more often. This isn't usually a problem. In fact, your trip from the bar to the loo can sometimes be a real joy, the opportunity to hear yourself think, to remind yourself that the boy that's trying to chirpse you has also attempted to shove his tongue down most of the female throats in the vicinity,  and for my fellow IBS friends, a sacred moment to let out the gas you've been holding in since your mouth touched the pint glass. But since most pubs aren't opening loos and parks and commons alike are restricting access to indoor toilets, we are confronted with yet another covid-conundrum… Where do we take a piss after two pints too many? 

Behind a bush. Any old bush will do, just make sure it's not very tall or thick, so that innocent families can watch you pass urine at their leisure. Since everyone will see you anyway, commons are unfortunately rather exposed areas with little dense vegetation, you may as well give the least suspecting spectators a pleasant surprise. As anyone that's been to furnival gardens after 4pm will know, the fact that there is only one decent bush to crouch behind and piss means that a lovely pool of pee begins to form, which only deepens and grows as the afternoon turns to evening. Treading through the pool of piss is inevitable, a rite of passage if you will, so make sure you wear your whitest, newest pair of nike airs! 

When it comes to the actual act of urinating, we suggest you avoid contact with your excretion to maximise covid compliancy. Tough one, I know, but I promise it is worth it in the long run. Of course, little can be done to prevent the tasteful trickle of urine that streams down your angle. Aim to angle your hips right above your ankles, so that when you squat down the urine will seep into your shoes at a perfect 90 degree angle. 

As for coming back to socialising drenched in your own urine, don't be shy, chances are that the people sat next to you have also been sitting in a pile of their own pee-stained clothes, so there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of!


By Chiara Maurino

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