Boris Johnson, who is currently self-isolating with COVID-19, tells the public to sack off lockdown as the weather is too nice to care. Social distancing measures should also be flouted, he says in his address to the nation, and all narcs will be given a day off.
Thousands have preempted his message and have already taken to sunbathing in parks across the country, making sure to cough directly into all facial orifices of other tan-seekers.
Quaranzine speaks to Ginormous Bellend Aidan Morris on Primrose Hill, who attained a C in GCSE Biology and who now works in a non-medical, scientific or governmental profession.
“I know for a fact that the virus cannot physically survive in these conditions.”, wheezes Aidan, “Either it denatures in the excessive 19*C heat, or it just chills out and cracks open a cold one with the boys. It’s a nice virus, as it turns out. Just travelling the world and meeting lots of new people.”
Johnson, as a liberal free market ideologue, believes his political position to be marred by Coronavirus, and that after two weeks of intense indoor suffering, people should no longer be told what to do and may ignore the greater good in pursuit of a Fosters on some grass.
“We can no longer force people to relax, watch television, eat delicious food and maintain their health inside comfortable environments. People should be allowed to continue to do fuck all but in a more contaminated space. We cannot deprive people of their rights.”
“NHS staff, of course, are exempt from the relaxed lockdown, but we aim to reward them with an unmanageable influx of cases and far less PPE.”
By Sophie Peachey