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LinkedIn Chirpses Now Illegal, Boris Announces

A plague of desperation has swept across the nation. With quarantine dragging perpetually on, the youth of Britain are experiencing a boom of singledom, Rona cockblocking every aspect of their once sweet young lives.

Amongst the desperation, a dangerous new trend had begun to emerge - that of the LinkedIn chirpse.

For those of you who aren’t familiar, let me get you up to speed. LinkedIn, the bizznizz version of good ol' facebook, is the place your mum gets her daily COVID chain message. A place where overachievers brag of their conquests (strictly corporate), and flailing grads search in vain for jobs.

Until now.

Too lazy for twitter, too old for tiktok, LinkedIn now provides the perfect opportunity for Britain’s millennials to pick the cream of the crop. Profile pic in a suit? Yes please. Morgan Stanley? Straight in my basket. You can even peruse their CV, a sure-fire way to get the blood a-flowin.

But wait, there’s more. The ultimate definition of BDE, the strongest move remains the profile view. They know you know they’re looking – they want you to. They even like your latest job update. Could that BE any sexier? Tricked you, rhetorical question. The answer is NO. So damn racy it should be illegal.

Oh wait, now it is.

In a fit of fomo, Boris has now banned the practice until he musters the strength to leave his four-poster bed. With Brits praying for his recovery now more than ever before, we remain hopeful of its return. Until then… here’s our profile x

By Camy Sandford

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