In one fell political blow, the Kardashians' life work has been thwarted by the UK Government, in their attempt to flatten the curve. It comes as no surprise that Kim Kardashian, newly endowed with legal status, should decide to take action at a policy that poses an exponential threat to the empire and specific physique that she has spent her life cultivating.
In a societal transformation of such magnitude it has been likened to an Industrial Revolution of the 21st Century (but for girls with big arses), Kim has spearheaded a movement that has embraced large posteriors and surgically enhanced breasts. Kim has reportedly taken personal offence to Boris Johnson's mantra to flatten the curve, and argues that it is a targeted slur against those equipped with slightly more junk in the trunk.
The NHS, a target of Kim's legal onslaught, has issued a statement to asking her to retract her cease and desist letter, whilst reminding Kim that 'there's people that are dying'.
International bodies have come out in support of Boris's actions, with members of the IBTC* publicly praising him for his advocacy for those less blessed with curves.
Weight Watchers UK have also teamed up with Boris Johnson in a bid to launch a nation wide 5km running nomination, aiming to turn the tide against Fat Bottomed Girls (Queen, 1978).
It is unclear who will win this battle of the derrière, but rumours circulating have informed Quaranzine that Boris Johnson has been looking decidedly thicc as of late, and so perhaps is not heeding his own politics.
*Itty Bitty Titty Committee
By Sophie Peachey