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Jane Austen's Guide To Virtual Courtship

This is for you, boys.

Quaranzine has sought some posthumous counsel from Jane Austen, in a bid to preserve the vital fabric of the online chirpse. Gone are the days of a quick 'u up?x' leading to a speedy consummation, gone are the days of illiteracy being overlooked. You can't make a spelling mistake in person, but you can on Whatsapp, Johnno, and frankly it's gross. Quarantine in not spelt 'quarintine'. Come correct next time. Your muscles are dépassé; simile and metaphor are now your greatest weapons.

Now that we're writing novels to maintain the interest of our pre-lockdown lovers, Austen recommends employing the five cornerstones of her literary success: social commentary, biting wit, realism, irony and humour. If this is a bit beyond your pay grade, try these tips instead.

  • Instead of asking 'what you saying' (wys), ask her what she's really saying. What are her most profound thoughts? Was she hugged enough as a child? Did she actually enjoy Tiger King or did she just buy into the marketing hype?

  • You can still ask 'u up?x', but this time with genuine concern. Your intentions are now earnest. Amelia you naughty girl! Why are you still up at this time! You need 8 hours sleep for maximum performance. I'm seriously worried about your health and mental state. Please get off your phone and try to get some rest.

  • Don't ask her if she's DTF, ask her if she's Down To Fire-some-intellectually-stimulating-questions-at-one-another. Summer 2020 will be all about personality, but Spring 2020 is all about brains. You've got to ensure that the future mother of your nut is as erudite as her Linkedin claims she is.

  • Woo her with literary flare. Employ the use of complex clauses and hyperbole. Mr Darcy walked so that you could run. Tell her her eyes are as brown as the bark of the tree. Tell her she's too sexy to get coronavirus.

  • Write her a haiku. English A-Level is sexy and sure to keep her attention.

'You are so fit, yes

Please show me your boobies or

I will cry ok, lol'

  • Only ever refer to your penis as a phallus, or phallic member. It's more grandiose.

By Sophie Peachey

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