'Incest Is Best', Boris Decrees As Mixed Household Sex Becomes Illegal

In an attempt to mitigate the devastating consequences of the newly announced sex ban, Boris Johnson has come up with an innovative strategy. As the ban specifically states that members of foreign households are prohibited from engaging in any form of sexual interaction, the PM has suggested incest as a useful way of fighting lockdown horniness- considered by scientists to be almost as lethal as COVID-19.  The health secretary agrees with Johnson, and reassures the press that they are taking all possible measures to ensure the COVID-19 pandemic is not followed by a wave of sexual mania. He explains that chronic horniness induced by the boredom and emotional emptiness of lockdown, coupled with months of sexual inactivity could deal the last blow to our already crippling national health system. Luckily, Boris Johnson's team have personally tried and tested the infallible strategy, and can confirm it is both sexually satisfying and stress relieving. After a meeting with health ministers from every UK county, the government has decided to drop their old mantra, 'Stay at home. Save lives' for a more poignant, 'Incest is best. Put your brother to the test!'. Due to the strong currents of memes claiming BoJo has 'fucked the entire nation' the PM thought it only appropriate to put this popular myth to bed. In an address to the nation, he explains that the logic behind his 'incest is best' stance is far more subtle and nuanced, 'Fuck each other, degenerate, and kill the British nation!!'  As ever, we at Quaranzine can only express our immense gratitude and admiration for BoJo's lateral thinking. We thought he had peaked when he resourcefully suggested using sanitary pads as PPE, but once again, he has exceeded our expectations.  Hats off to BoJo!


By Chiara Maurino

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