Desperate for a note of optimism amidst the doom and gloom of ensuing COVID restrictions, we at Quaranzine were delighted to discover the government's most recent and avant-garde plans to solve the UK's immigration crisis… a floating wall to protect the British channel, a turbo wave machine to push immigrants "back where they came from" and the charming suggestion to rehouse them in abandoned prisons and offshore, ex colonies.
Home secretary Priti Patel tackles the issue of illegal immigration with warmth and compassion, suggesting that asylum seekers and refugees alike be sent off shore to 'Ascension Island' a British colony renowned for its inhospitable climate and sterile land. Isolated in the tropical mid-Atlantic, half way between Brazil and Africa, 'Ascension Island' promises to be the perfect location for traumatised, penniless, starving immigrants. Not only will illegal immigrants arriving by sea be thrilled at the prospect of having to spend another few months marooned on a ship without any hope of reaching their final destination, but they will also feel right at home in an environment which offers little to no financial prospects. Other remote locations proposed include ex-colony, Papa New Guinea and Antarctica.
Other innovative ideas from the home office following what officials termed a "really cool brainstorm" include a turbo wave machine that pushes immigrant ships back to where they came from. Downing street officials were thrilled by this exciting new advance in marine tech, adding that it sounded like 'jolly good fun' for the asylum seekers on board who basically get a return trip for free. Another viable alternative is to build a floating wall to protect the British channel. Exactly what this "floating wall" would be built from, and how it would work, remains a mystery as of yet, but we have no doubt that the creative genius of the home office will come up with something equally useless.
By Chiara Maurino