Quarantine has us yearning for the familiar embrace of friendship. The majority of us are spending our time frantically texting and facetiming our loved ones to keep up to date with the banality of each other's lives. But here's the rub; it's a lot of admin, quite time consuming, and an empty solace. It's neither efficient nor logical to spend time feeling bereft and hollow. This is where Quaranzine's 5 easy tricks come in useful, to help you forgo the heartache and fully commit to cultivating your new social disorder.
Focus on their flaws. Remember the very specific incident in which they pissed you off, or focus on a habit of their's that makes your skin crawl. Spin it out, blow it out of proportion, reminisce upon the aggravating minutiae of the situation. After 20 minutes of real time play back you'll be frothing at the mouth and wondering how you ever liked them. Your melancholy will be replaced by pure fury, and everyone knows that anger is easier to process than sadness.
Construct a false reality. Yes, you may have lived with them for three years. Yes, your life would be meaningless and void without them. But the mind is a fickle beast and quick to forget. Convince yourself it never happened. Forget all the memories. Make yourself believe they never existed. 21 days makes a habit, and after a month you'll have erased them from your consciousness completely. You can't miss someone you've never heard of!
Ignore all incoming contact. Out of sight, out of mind. 3-5 working days for a response, if any at all. Your day is none of their concern. Ignore the influx of pleasantries, drop your phone down the loo in the event of an incoming call. No man is an island, but you're not a man and you prefer to live life without the shackles of social bonds.
Pick up a new hobby. Friends disappoint but Sudoku doesn't. Harness the disturbing introversion you've acquired since spending so much time alone, and let numbers become your new gang. Numbers are steadfast and reliable (exactly like your friends but ignore this).
Flirt with a boy or compulsively think about your ex. The associated trauma will far supersede any feelings you have towards your friends.
By the end of this you'll be friendless and devoid, just like God intended. But you'll be at peace, with more time to focus on the things that matter, like running a state-of-the-arts, award winning satire magazine.
By Sophie Peachey