Honey, don’t you even TRY and lie to me – if you’re single, or quarantined at home, you are horny. You’re a horny, bored, overweight devil and that’s a fact that CANNOT be denied. If you’re like me – a natural problem solver and all-round goddess – this is an issue you are determined to solve, even just so you can let some other thoughts pass through your dirty little mind. So, I thought today I’d take this platform to go full on American Pie on your asses; Jim, we’re gunna talk about masturbation. The first step is identifying a suitable subject of fantasy. For me, dating apps have been the one. Ensuring a steady stream of male chirpses is the perfect remedy for a lonely heart, and relying on male relationships is just fab for your mental health! Also advised in lieu, if Hinge isn’t your thing: 50 shades of Grey, Call Me by Your Name, or indeed in a more feminist light, Armie Hammer in On the Basis of Sex (stow your judgment, ma’am). Now that your subject has been identified, two things remain: method, and place. Sometimes, mere fantasies are enough to curb the desire, in which case refrain from further action lest you make the problem worse. But if it’s gone too far, steps must be taken. Which brings me to OMGyes. This article verges on unpaid sponsorship, I can’t lie. But it’s worth it. Celebrating female sexuality, giving names to pioneering techniques – this site has it ALL. Give it a cheeky try, and you won’t be sorry – method well and truly sorted. Or order a vibrator off amazon. Whatever floats your boat. Next up is the place. Albeit more difficult in isolation, worst case scenario you run to your nearest local shrub or forest – I reckon Boris and his PoPo would understand, desperate times of quarantine and all. Probably even counts as daily exercise, if we’re honest. In the absolute worst case, as an earth shattering, death defying last resort – you can just whip out the ol' pie, the inspiration for this very article (Jim did it before Timothée Chalamet made it cool, never forget).
By Camy Sandford