How To Preserve Your Pussy Since No One Is Eating It

Ladies, we're wasting our young years trapped in our childhood bedrooms without even the merest whiff of fornication. But have no fear. Here are some preservation techniques to keep your pussy fresh and in gear until the next lucky voyager ventures down south.


Smoke it.

Pop a squat over some water-soaked wood and let the coals deliver you an oaky finish. Using this method, your pussy will keep for longer, thus delaying the deleterious effects of time, AND have a particularly smokey aftertaste.


Ferment it.

Now is the time to harness that ‘good’ bacteria and ‘healthy PH’ your gyno always bangs on about. Breed your cultures correctly and by the time pubs reopen you’ll have a small batch microbrew that hipsters will pay £12 a pint for.


Dry it.

I imagine you’re already halfway there on this one. Nothing’s turned you on since your last Tiktok flopped and the boys in your DMs are growing increasingly unappetising by the day. Maybe it’s the depression, maybe it’s maybelline, but the only thing that’s getting wet these days are your increasingly desperate texts to your friends.


Vacuum seal it.

Zip-lock bag and a straw. You’re welcome.


Cryogenically Freeze it.

Get that pussy on ice and pray that all the furloughed scientists will be making advancements in molecular nanotechnology that will sort you right out once you decide to be revived. Boris willing, it should only be a few months until you're back in action with your sparkling vagina that hasn't aged a day. To defrost, put in over for 30 minute at 180*C.

Can it.

A new pilot product from Heinz.


Pickle it.

Straddle a jar and bear down. Lower yourself into the brine and give yourself a shake every five days until ready.


Cure it.

Salt and Vinegar that girl up and by the time this is all finished hopefully you'll have some Scandinavian invaders ready and waiting.


By Sophie Peachey

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