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How To Pick Up Girls During Quarantine

As some of you may know, I struggle to go anywhere without being hit on. Although this does encumber my life in various ways and makes me far more at risk of catching COVID-19, I have recently decided to use my years of suffering for social good. I really hope that this step-by-step guide on how to approach and court women during quarantine, extracted at my personal cost, will be of particular use to all the lonely, horny boys of London.

Before I begin, I have to thank the admirably persistent, self proclaimed “Roadmen” on bikes in Hyde Park, who never fail to attempt a conversation, even when you’re walking with both your parents. My deepest gratitude must also go to the creepy, dishevelled men at Kensington Library who stare straight into your soul whilst their hand glides over their books down onto their laps and god knows where next… and a massive thank you to the builders that whistle at you and your ten year old sister every time you jog past in sports kit.

Without the abovementioned, this article would not have been possible.

This guide is specifically catered to adhere to the government guidelines on social distancing due to the Covid-19 Pandemic.

Gear Up:

You want your woman to know you care and look after yourself, so wear a mask, but make sure it looks good and matches your skin colour. If you usually don’t have much success with women and you’re aiming to get a girl’s number, then Rona might have actually done you a solid…. Never again will you have the opportunity to hide your hideous face underneath a mask, so make the most of it!! Plastic gloves are a must and look absolutely dashing paired with a suit.

The Corona Cornering Approach:

Although I would not usually condone this approach, I have noticed that during Corona times it is by far the most effective, and when I think about it, the only way of getting near (no nearer than 2m) to a woman.

  • Exploit the poor woman’s justified fear of being at a 2m radius distance from anyone to corner her in.

  • This move works best when used by a group of three men, although I can confirm that two does the trick just fine

  • Have your group stationed at different angles to the victim and approach her slowly, she will be too terrified of getting too near to sidestep you, so within a few seconds you will have her cornered at a 2m radius

  • This method works really well because the woman has no option but to speak to you, unless she wants to catch Corona

  • Since this approach presupposes you are more appealing than COVID-19, you might just want to check in with yourself and evaluate whether this move is the best one for you. Do look at yourself in the mirror, or ask a female relative: ‘would you rather give me your number or catch corona virus?’ to double check before you head off.

Covid Conversation Only:

Dialogue is essential if you are to pursue her further. My suggestion is to make some really radical statement about the pandemic, which will most likely infuriate her, such as telling her that Coronavirus doesn’t exist and the government’s just making it up. If she has had family or friends that have contracted the disease, this one will go down a treat.

A fine example of said technique was the lovely, self-proclaimed ‘Roadman’ I met on Monday afternoon who insisted that Coronavirus has been made up by the government to mask mass deforestation. His ability to think outside the box and come at this international pandemic from a completely new angle was really sexy, so why not steal his pick up line?

I really hope that these tips are useful to you in this uncertain, distressing, and lonely time.

Please enjoy and let me know how you get on @chiaramaurinoo

By Chiara Maurino

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