You've met a boy. He's not your type, and Good God he doesn't make you laugh, but lockdown has made you weak.
You know deep down that you don't really fancy him *at all*, but somehow his three half-hearted messages a day (morning poo, coffee poo, evening poo) have shone like an epileptic 3 watt led bulb into the darkness of your state-mandated isolation.
The 'support bubble' excuse is constituted. It's the first shag you've had all year where you're not cripplingly aware of your nan's comorbidities. The situation is easy. The choice between celibacy and him? Fine, you think, I guess I'll fall in love with him then.
He's a loser and you don't fancy him anyway! In six months, you'll feel the acrid taste of ick climb up your throat when you imagine his body atop yours; the unceremonious nausea that comes when you remember the words exchanged during the heat of those heady 30 second rounds.
Your attraction to him is tenuous as it stands. Yes, you tell your friends he's an accountant which means he's clever and reliable. But babe, KPMG has an entire graduate intake. Your choice of boring men in boring vocations knows no bounds.
To stop yourself from developing an attachment to a man you should definitely not be attached to, Quaranzine recommends you employ these tried and tested tips:
Imagine him eating bolognese sauce.
Imagine him running with a backpack on.
Imagine him recording himself on his voice notes to see if he can sing.
Imagine him on a waterslide.
Imagine him vlogging.
This should sort you out. Do some yoga, take a cold shower, move on.
By Sophie Peachey