1. A top trick is to become the BBC’s de facto Clapham Correspondent and thus informant on all things death. Send your mates all the key statistics and really drum home that everyone’s grandma is kicking the bucket.
- "Hey gang. 912 people died in a 24 hour period - thought you should all know! Madders."
2. Participate in an abundance of banal Instagram nominations. Keep adding them to your story. Literally keep doing it.
- "Thanks for the tag @arabella. I nominate @hugo to do keyhole surgery on your scrotum."
3. Let everyone know that you’re getting so fit! Post oiled-up photos of your lithe body to make absolutely no one resent you.
- "Just completed my Ball Buster T-helper Cell Immunocompromised Utility Room Work Out! I’ve lost 3 kilos in four days, alongside my flat tummy tea which makes me violently shit myself!
4. Send absolutely loads of girls messages at 11:59 about your most base desires. Don't get put off if you're seeing a lot of 'Seen at 12:00' - they're loving it secretly.
- "Hey lol am horny you up?x"
By Sophie Peachey