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How To Deflect That Uninvited Facetime

We all thought isolation was bad enough. Separated from your nearest and dearest, sans jokes or good chat, it’s all we can do to survive the boredom of the day. Surely it couldn’t get worse than this, right? Wrong. Enter the rogue pop up. You check your phone. It’s that girl from uni you haven’t spoken to in months - no, not due to distance, or busy lives, but because they are the most jarring human being on earth, and you actively avoid them at all costs. Lucky for me, such excuses as the Canadian time difference, and a series of broken phones previously provided the perfect cover, narrowly missing surprise facetime attacks, and campaigns of message bombardments. However, little Miss Rona has yet again done us dirty. This time they call, and your heart stops. Your mind is Blank. You literally have nothing to do – you’re isolated, and they know it. You’re trapped in a cage of Rona’s making, and in need of an escape. Enter, your resident expert, and all-around dickhead phubber – Me. Step One – obviously ignore the call. But don’t be fooled, it can’t be a simple hang-up. You need to let that baby ring, so that you actually seem to be parted from your device (which we all know is being cradled like a baby). Step Two – leave the missed call for an appropriate period of time. 5 minutes? Too short. Around 40 minutes is advisable, as they’ve probably stopped longing for your company. Step Three – OMG! Babe! So sorry I missed your call, I was [running, walking the dog, cleaning my room, in the bath, watching TV with my mum]. Activity must be long enough to provide explanation, but within the realms of Boris’ lock-down (safety first, even in fairy land). Step Four – When they inevitably ask you to reschedule, ALWAYS be vague. Never give a concrete date, blame uni work, and if all else fails, simply never open their messages. Step Five – Success. Your problem is sorted, you’re welcome x

By Camy Sandford

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