Step 1. Have an extremely niche idea. Find that gap in the market and exploit it. Some cool ideas I’ve recently come up with (that you’re more than welcome to use, as long as I can take 95% of your future profits) include: Saying ‘donkey’ in the Shrek voice everyday, saying ‘hon hon hon titty croissant’ in a French accent every Friday (and a Welsh accent every other), knitting blankets for ants, a cooking channel where you only speak in Jackson from Hannah Montana’s voice (did you know the actor was in his 30s when playing that role? Cray).
Step 2. Upload content once a year (makes you extremely mysterious and offbeat sexy, like Zayn in One Direction) or upload content seventeen times a day – there is no in between. The latter makes you seem super dedicated to your art and is the TikTok equivalent of method acting, since you are living and breathing your truth at all hours of the day.
Step 3. Capture a following. I’d recommend giving all of your neighbours’ kids £1000 each in order to entice them into following you and to get your channel started. It should only cost you about half a million to get 500 followers. Sadly, however, money doesn’t grow on everyone’s trees (I personally found this great money tree in my local park that sheds dollar bills all day long, but I’m afraid I can’t tell you of its location or James Bond will have to kill me). The other, less costly, option is to go to your local park with a big net and literally capture followers. Grab little children when their parents’ backs are turned and refuse to let them go until they show proof of following you on TikTok. This one works a treat, but just make sure that you have fast legs for when the police arrive.
Step 4. Accelerate your fame by getting celebrity shout outs. I personally send videos of me crying to Charli D’Amelio (TikTok dancing star) everyday and begging her to endorse me – I think she’ll eventually cave. If you’re a little shy, however, I’d recommend just crying in your room and praying to God (or a different deity, depending on your religion) every evening.
Step 5. If these steps don’t quite work out for you, I’m afraid that’s on you. Don’t blame the recipe, blame the cook! xxx
By Molly Chambers